March 18, 2025|י"ח אדר ה' אלפים תשפ"ה Making Courtesy in Shul Common
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The observance of the annual National Common Courtesy Day on March 21 is not so common, but then again, neither is common courtesy itself these days. Some behaviors and conduct that used to be considered rude and uncouth have become commonplace. This is true in life in general, such as holding doors, saying please and thank you, looking up from a phone when talking to someone, among many more examples. And it is also sadly true in shul, a place in which we are expected to be even more mindful and aware of our conduct, both towards Hashem and towards others.
We must not allow courtesy to become uncommon. We must not accept rudeness or discourtesy as a new normal. On the whole, we are blessed to live in beautiful communities filled with sensitivity and kindness, but there are areas in derech eretz, kindness and courtesy, which we as a community can work on. I want to call attention to several shul-specific behaviors that, while not malicious or poorly intended or necessarily reflective of a rude attitude, nevertheless lack the consistent derech eretz we aspire to. Some feel almost silly to list but all are real issues that arise all too often. These are not particular to our community; indeed, I can confidently say most are ubiquitous in shul life.
Parking: Parking lot boundaries are not suggestions or recommendations. Please don’t park on the line or over it. Park evenly spaced between the lines so others can comfortably and safely park alongside you and get in and out of their cars. If you accidentally parked over the line, go back into your car and park properly. Don’t park in handicapped-accessible parking or reserved spots if they aren’t meant for you no matter how late you are for davening or how important it is for you to get there.
Talking: “If you come here to talk, where do you go to daven?” This somewhat famous sign discouraging talking during davening hangs in many shuls and appeals to our spiritual conscience and ambition not to talk. But there is an even more basic, Bein-Adom-L’chaveiro reason to refrain from conversation during shul: It is rude. Even if we struggle to connect with prayer and are willing to exchange a conversation with the Almighty for a conversation with our neighbor, it is unkind to someone within earshot who isn’t undergoing that struggle. People who talk aren’t bad people. They are often outgoing, social, warm, and gregarious. But without even being aware, they are acting unkind. There are people all around shul davening who are utilizing a safe space to experience an intimate conversation with Hashem. We have been socially conditioned not to talk while someone is trying to watch a show, we wouldn’t talk while someone is swinging on the golf course or tennis court, and we shouldn’t talk and cause a distraction l’havdil, when people are trying to daven. Even if it is hard to rise to the standard of not speaking at all, there are critical times where it is particularly rude to talk (even if you think you are whispering), such as during Kaddish, which people are saying in memory of loved ones, while waiting for chazaras Hashatz to begin while others are still davening, or when those around us are trying to follow the Torah or Haftorah reading. We can and we must do better.
Phones, candies, throat clearing: It can be and should be simple – turn your phone to silent or off when in shul. Period. Make a habit or ritual of putting it on airplane mode when walking in to our situation room that needs our full attention. It goes without saying not to answer a phone during davening, even—or especially—to say, “I can’t talk now, I’m in shul.” Don’t open or unwrap candies that make a lot of noise during davening or a shiur. Do it before you walk in or step outside. It is disturbing and distracting to the people around you. If you need to clear your throat excessively or consistently, step outside, get a drink of water, take your time, but be aware of how it impacts others.
Coughing, Nose Blowing, Illness: If you don’t feel well, have signs of a contagious illness, or symptoms that disturb others like coughing, sneezing or nose blowing, stay home. It is more than unkind; it is downright cruel to expose others to illness, including and especially vulnerable populations among us. Your righteousness or desire to socialize doesn’t supersede other people’s safety, health, and wellbeing.
Kiddush: Kiddush is meant to be a social event, not a contact sport. No matter how appetizing the cholent or kugel looks, please remain vigilantly aware of your surroundings. Be patient and careful not to elbow, knock over, or spill on others. With diverse age groups in our communities and attending our kiddushes, it is critical to supervise children and to ensure they are careful.
Children Interrupting a Derasha or Guest Speaker: When I was young, if a child walked across a room while someone was speaking, the child’s parent would be mortified, grab the child to come sit until the talk was over, and would strongly instruct the child never to walk into a room while someone is speaking again. If not the parent, another adult would stop the child and direct them not to walk through the room at that time. Our sweet, precious children rely on us to place boundaries and condition proper behavior. Children who come into shul during a sermon or lecture to speak with a parent, or to collect candies, or deliver a message, should gently be instructed that this is not an appropriate time to do so. If we don’t teach them derech eretz, who will?
Standing When it Distracts Others: It is understandable that it isn’t always possible for everyone to be in shul on time, particularly women. While catching up with davening, it is important to be thoughtful and considerate when saying Shmoneh Esrei. If you are davening at your seat during the derasha, standing and swaying may block others from seeing the speaker and distracts the person speaking. It is better to move to the side or back, or even step into the hall, to recite the Amida and catch up.
Late to a Shiur or Early for Mincha: We have a wonderful community of learners who come each Shabbos for the class before Mincha. Even many people coming for Mincha arrive early to catch the end of the class. If we aren’t there in time, the proper thing is to find the first available seat. If we are early for Mincha, we should wait quietly in the back. Arriving towards the end of class and walking through the room is discourteous to both the speaker and those attending the shiur.
Picking Up Garbage: We are blessed to celebrate many simchas in our community. They are often marked with the throwing of or distribution of candy, which in turn generates lots of garbage. Often, wrappers can be found on the floor of the shul. Children drop them or walk right past them without anyone saying anything. We wouldn’t allow a child to leave garbage on the floor of our home and we shouldn’t let them walk past garbage on the floor of our sanctuary. Stop a child and (kindheartedly) teach them to pick it up or pick it up yourself so they see it isn’t beneath adults to keep Hashem’s home as clean or cleaner than our own.
Putting Siddurim and Chumashim Back: Each week, when shul is over, our wonderful custodians spend considerable time collecting Siddurim and Chumashim and returning them to the shelves with great care and respect. But why should they have to? Isn’t it basic derech eretz to put something back on the shelf when we finish using it? Being “people of the book” means not only learning what is in them, but modeling what we literally do with them and how we treat them.
Turning Your Back on a Speaker: It is one thing to not go to a shiur, but it is an altogether different thing to get up and choose to walk out of one. Over Yom Tov, and daily between Mincha and Maariv, someone gives a short Dvar Torah. Sometimes, a person may have an obligation or responsibility at home or elsewhere that necessitates their leaving shul. On the other hand, some people leave to stand in the lobby and shoot the breeze, share the latest gossip, or simply pass the time. Others make an exit for what they consider a noble reason—to go to the Beis Midrash for “real” learning. Some remain in shul and brazenly open a sefer to study, oblivious to the impression it leaves and the message it sends. Whoever is speaking in the front of the room worked hard to prepare, is putting in effort, and is making themselves vulnerable by speaking. Walking out, opening a sefer, or staring at or texting on a phone, isn’t menschlich and is unintentionally hurtful.
The famous Midrash (Vayikra Rabba 9) tells us, “Derech eretz kadma laTorah,” derech eretz preceded Torah by 26 generations and it must be the prerequisite or precursor to our Torah. Derech eretz, basic courtesy, must be common in shul and everywhere we go. One has to be a mensch in order to be a vessel to receive Torah, as the Mishna in Avos (3:17) teaches: im ein Torah, ein derech eretz v’im ein derech eretz, ein Torah, If there is no Torah, there is no derech eretz and if there is no derech eretz, there is no Torah. On this Mishna, Rabbeinu Yonah writes, “One must first improve one’s own character traits and with that, the Torah can endure with him because it cannot endure with a person that doesn’t have good character traits. One cannot learn Torah first and then acquire good character traits because this is impossible.”
Shul is perhaps the most powerful classroom our children attend. They are watching and learning what we do to see if it matches what they hear us say. With a little more thoughtfulness and effort to be mindful of the unintended consequences of our behavior, we can make courtesy common again each and every day, not only one day a year.